Semi-Fiction 11 : Taxing Time for a Classy guy
I happened to be at a professional conference early Summer in one of those big, busy hotels, and going to the bathroom, I see there a guy I knew back from college days. David.. something, some Italian name, I can't remember for sure, and all the salami and pastrami sure shows on his belly....
He was there for another conference, a tax accountants' gathering. Of course, I nicely comment on how he must he busy as the end of the fiscal year approaches and he tells me the entire half-year has been one big female dog.
-- Well, yeah, I guess, with taxes in April and then fiscal year finishing two months later, I guess you must be swamped, yeah.
-- Well, of course, but that's not what did me in.
-- What? Are you in good health? I hope you..
-- No,no, that's not it. Women, man.
-- What?
-- Well, yeah, my wife's a pain in the ass already, and like an ass, I found myself a nice little girlfriend. As matter of fact, this is kind of funny, I bumped into her at another conference when coming out of the restrooms, just like you and me now. I was just zipping myself up and, boom, ran smack into her...
-- Well, she was not in the men's rooms, was she?
-- No no, but just leaving the men's rooms, I bumped into her, like, like the other side of this door, man. Actually, she was at UKC, too, by the way. Do you remember Jessica M---?
-- No, I don't think so, God, it's been .. what, twenty years?
-- Well, anyway, we talk about the good old days at UKC, one thing leads to another, we have a drink together, then two, then we both skip completely all the conference and go at it for a day and a half. It was great. But then, uh, she kind of hung on, lived only two hours away from me, we managed to get together a few times, and er, I notice she kind of gets sloppy, gets dreamy, talks endlessly on the phone, and how her husband treats her badly, tells her she looks old--and all that stupid BS, man, I tell you... And she calls at my home, hangs up, my wife gets even nastier. I get long e-mails, etc., etc. And then, oh, boy, this is good, her HUSBAND calls me! ANd he is all....
At that point, I am here realizing that this guy is going to tell me everything I don't care to know anyway, about that affair I don't care about, and this woman I do not know, I have not seen this guy for twenty years, trying to remember if he was not already an obnoxious asshole back then, and he is yelling all this in this booming voice in the empty restroom. Not that I care for my conference that much. But I have other ways to entertain myself than listening to this guy telling me how his clients' taxes might be all screwed up because he was screwing around this past Spring... And I am here thinking: who the hell is Jessica M----, anyway? Is that her maiden name or her married name ? (And at this rate, how many husbands ago?)
--... and then she tells me: "you know, he collects guns, by the way. But, don't worry, I hide his ammo..."
-- David, er, I am sorry, I need to get back to my panel here.
-- Oh, yeah, sure, sure. Anyway, all I am saying, man, is, just be careful when you screw around, they are such a pain in the ass.
-- Well, yeah, if one is a pain in the ass, I guess two would be at least double the pain, then.
-- Worse, man, worse, at least three times, ah ah ah. Anyway, if you see Jessica M----, stay away.
-- Sure thing, David. Thanks for the tip. Good luck. It was great seeing you.
-- Same here, Buddy, same here. Actually, just between you and me, in my panel there is a cute little thing I could get interested in.
-- Ask her first if she has a husband with guns, OK?
-- Who cares? I'm not giving her my phone number, and I know she is from Phoenix, won't drive to come see me, Man, ah ah ah. Anyway, never have an affair at tax time, it can't be good.
Now, that, my friends, sure is a classy guy... I'll be looking for his face on national news one of these days, or on Dr. Phil.... maybe under the heading of "Lorena Bobbitt copy cat" happenings.... That will remind me of his last name...
And if I see Jessica M---, no doubt, I'll stay away... Because she does not have great judgment. And I suspect it's not just because of tax time....
He was there for another conference, a tax accountants' gathering. Of course, I nicely comment on how he must he busy as the end of the fiscal year approaches and he tells me the entire half-year has been one big female dog.
-- Well, yeah, I guess, with taxes in April and then fiscal year finishing two months later, I guess you must be swamped, yeah.
-- Well, of course, but that's not what did me in.
-- What? Are you in good health? I hope you..
-- No,no, that's not it. Women, man.
-- What?
-- Well, yeah, my wife's a pain in the ass already, and like an ass, I found myself a nice little girlfriend. As matter of fact, this is kind of funny, I bumped into her at another conference when coming out of the restrooms, just like you and me now. I was just zipping myself up and, boom, ran smack into her...
-- Well, she was not in the men's rooms, was she?
-- No no, but just leaving the men's rooms, I bumped into her, like, like the other side of this door, man. Actually, she was at UKC, too, by the way. Do you remember Jessica M---?
-- No, I don't think so, God, it's been .. what, twenty years?
-- Well, anyway, we talk about the good old days at UKC, one thing leads to another, we have a drink together, then two, then we both skip completely all the conference and go at it for a day and a half. It was great. But then, uh, she kind of hung on, lived only two hours away from me, we managed to get together a few times, and er, I notice she kind of gets sloppy, gets dreamy, talks endlessly on the phone, and how her husband treats her badly, tells her she looks old--and all that stupid BS, man, I tell you... And she calls at my home, hangs up, my wife gets even nastier. I get long e-mails, etc., etc. And then, oh, boy, this is good, her HUSBAND calls me! ANd he is all....
At that point, I am here realizing that this guy is going to tell me everything I don't care to know anyway, about that affair I don't care about, and this woman I do not know, I have not seen this guy for twenty years, trying to remember if he was not already an obnoxious asshole back then, and he is yelling all this in this booming voice in the empty restroom. Not that I care for my conference that much. But I have other ways to entertain myself than listening to this guy telling me how his clients' taxes might be all screwed up because he was screwing around this past Spring... And I am here thinking: who the hell is Jessica M----, anyway? Is that her maiden name or her married name ? (And at this rate, how many husbands ago?)
--... and then she tells me: "you know, he collects guns, by the way. But, don't worry, I hide his ammo..."
-- David, er, I am sorry, I need to get back to my panel here.
-- Oh, yeah, sure, sure. Anyway, all I am saying, man, is, just be careful when you screw around, they are such a pain in the ass.
-- Well, yeah, if one is a pain in the ass, I guess two would be at least double the pain, then.
-- Worse, man, worse, at least three times, ah ah ah. Anyway, if you see Jessica M----, stay away.
-- Sure thing, David. Thanks for the tip. Good luck. It was great seeing you.
-- Same here, Buddy, same here. Actually, just between you and me, in my panel there is a cute little thing I could get interested in.
-- Ask her first if she has a husband with guns, OK?
-- Who cares? I'm not giving her my phone number, and I know she is from Phoenix, won't drive to come see me, Man, ah ah ah. Anyway, never have an affair at tax time, it can't be good.
Now, that, my friends, sure is a classy guy... I'll be looking for his face on national news one of these days, or on Dr. Phil.... maybe under the heading of "Lorena Bobbitt copy cat" happenings.... That will remind me of his last name...
And if I see Jessica M---, no doubt, I'll stay away... Because she does not have great judgment. And I suspect it's not just because of tax time....
Labels: Classy guy
posted by kingba at 3:35 PM
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